I was at a pal's house yesterday. While using his biffy, I couldn't help but notice a box of laxatives on the back of his toilet. Having never taken a laxative in my life I was curious to learn more about these items, so I read the label.

There it was again, that absurd instruction to insert said item up the back end. Has a more distasteful directive been given since Nazis' quit barking orders 60 years ago?

I'm going to lay it out real simple. I'm not a suppository guy. In all honesty, I have always suspected that suppositories are a brilliant, twisted practical joke, one that millions of Americans have been falling for for decades.

Medicine is taken orally. If that's not possible, there's the needle to the vein. When did some con man come along and say, "Sorry, this pill's a little different (heh, heh). This one actually has to be run up the rear end by hand."

And who were the suckers who then said, "Oh, if that's what would be best, sure, ok."

Folks, you're being played. The guys at the pharmacy have smirks as you walk out the door. They repair to the rear office and imagine you back home, wincing, cursing, bent over with your bathroom door locked. All the while they're grabbing their aching bellies and howling.

How does it feel to do something entirely unnecessary, for the simple private pleasure of pranksters who can't fathom such blind gullibility?

Sure, I could be off. But what if I'm not? What if you never, ever, really had to do this? What if the whole thing is just so, so, very wrong?

Aren't there some bastards who should hang?

Posted by TD Mischke at 7:33 AM
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